


3:46 am, knowing couldn’t make it hurt less.

by xcvjoon



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Basically, Forbidden Love, Kisses, Kissing, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 00:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17652749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcvjoon/pseuds/xcvjoon
Summary: san ran away from his own feelings too, maybe more so than yeosang did.the difference was, yeosang admitted to himself that he had feelings for the younger, but san ran away from the thought every chance he got.and as he was sure the other was at least a few feet away inside the building,he let out a shaky sigh, quickly bowing his head and drawing his fingers to his eyes at the first sign of any tears.





	3:46 am, knowing couldn’t make it hurt less.

 

 

 

they sat beside each other on the bed, arms and legs resting softly besides one another.

 

when it started? he assumed something like this was a reoccurring event in which one cant really remember the actual beginning to,

like remembering when you started being a fan of a certain actor and why.

all he knew was the feelings he had as he sat beside the younger on his bed late at night, sometimes having deep conversations and other times being comforted by each others silence.

sans head rested comfortably on his shoulder as he scrolled through his phone.

there wasn’t much conversation, little to none at all if he were to be honest,

and that was okay. yeosang wasn’t typically the one to start the conversation.

silence was broken when san decided to show him an image on his phone,

“i’d look cool in that huh, hyung.” he smiled.

the older gently laughed, adoring the others cuteness.

“yeah,”

san shifted, sitting up a bit straighter and turning his body around so he was facing the other,

yeosang turned his head.

“i’m tired, we should go to bed.”

he stretched out his arms as best as he could on his bunk.

"its-" he yawned.

"basically 4am.. tight schedule tomorrow."

the older felt the lingering feeling of fatigue, almost falling asleep several times within the hour they sat there together doing nothing.

the older stretched out his neck, “i’ve been tired this whole time. you should go to bed.”

san stared at the other a bit, just looking at his face,

yeosang was used to the younger doing this,

and for a while it made the older self conscious, wondering why he constantly stared at him,

most times he was almost sure the younger boy didn’t even know he did it, or know that _he_ himself knew he did it

and to be very honest, as much as he'd like to say he had gotten used to it after all this time,

it still made him a bit uncomfortable.

 

he gave a shy laugh,

“why do you always stare like that.” he hid his face out of embarrassment.

he heard the other giggle.

“ahh! don’t bully me.” san said, putting on a fake pout, and hitting the others arm.

yeosang fell against the other as he wiggled his body in embarrassment, accidentally kicking off one of the youngers many plushies.

"you!!" san started laughing hysterically.

"stop!" yeosang exclaimed.

the room was filled with laughter as they tried to muffle their voice with the palms of their hands,

hoping not to wake anyone that was potentionaly asleep or working.

and then there they were, in a position where their faces were close to one another.

the younger inched his face closer, and soon his own dry lips gently brushed the others smooth ones, they lingered pressed together for only a few short seconds before they pulled away, eyes avoiding contact.

this always seemed to happen at some point,

and every time, felt as if they were sneaking a donut from the fridge late at night that they weren’t supposed to eat.

san licked his lips, at times like this his expression was always unreadable.

he made an attempt at stretching his body out again, seemingly to create some sort of bridge from what just happened.

“goodnight, hyung.” he said, his face light.

 

it wont happen again.

 

 

x

 

 

 

it felt wrong more than right. maybe because he knew that it was wrong, that he couldn’t do this with the other. it would be completely selfish, and there was _always_ more to loose.

maybe in another reality where their lives were different, but not in this one.

words of _“its nothing.” “it meaningless”_ always found their way out of sans mouth.

yeosang understood that.

the words, they hurt him, but he never argued over them

because at the same time, they also made it better.

of course it would make it easier if it was meaningless.

it would make the situation so harmless.

and maybe knowing that the younger really did view it as a meaningless thing made it better,

because as long as one of them thought that, it would make it easier for the other to pretend they were okay.

if san didn't care, he could act as if he didn't either,

and if one day, 

well, when the day that they finally decide to end whatever exactly it is they're doing comes, yeosang will maybe be able to pretend he never cared for the younger at all.

he hated this feeling. the feeling of guilt and hollowness that ate him up at random times during the day and kept him up until the AMs at night.

 

he wishes it was different.

 

 

 

x

 

 

 

it was a good day, filled with some specifically good news, so everyone around them was in a positive mood knowing they accomplished so much,

things were looking good for everyone, and that in itself was another accomplishment. knowing their hard work was paying off, that they were just a little bit closer to the start of their dreams.

and that resulted in a clingy form of san that always made his heart swell.

so it wasn’t a surprise when he was pushed into his empty room when the coast was clear and tackled with a hug.

“you’re so happy.” the older laughed.

“do you ever just feel like a bullet is going through your chest-“

“but instead of it being a bad anxious feeling its more like…a _flower bomb_.” san tried to explain, smile wide and dimples showing out.

“i’ve- i’ve felt that before” he said, trying to get out of the others tight embrace

san planted kisses onto the others cheek playfully, laughing as he squirmed away.

“ _san_ …” he complained, drawing out every syllable.

he tumbled backwards and hit his dresser, things that he couldn’t see since the room was so dark falling off of it.

“oh shit..sorry.” san smiled, coming down from his sugar rush like behavior.

“are you okay?” he asked genuinely.

“i'm fine.”

the younger bend down and picked up everything that had fell, before placing them back randomly on the dresser.

yeosang fell back onto his bed, laying on his back as his feet dangled off the side.

once san was done, he went and laid down on his stomach beside the other.

“do you ever wonder what everything will be like next year? or in two years?” yeosang asks the younger.

“honestly, i do." "despite trying not too so much, i can’t help it.”

“the thought is so scary, i don’t want to become let down or anything because my dreams were too big.”

yeosang didn’t reply.

there was something about the older that san was always comforted by, and while he was completely fine with showing his feelings to the other physically, with kisses and hugs and anything else he could possibly give to yeosang, he would never allow himself to try and comprehend the emotions being around the older made him feel.

he tried to convince himself that the butterflies that grew in his stomach, or happiness that balled up in his chest when he was around the older was the same as the happiness he got when he was around the other members,

although he knew they weren't ever the same.

 _when this all started?_ some time ago.

 _how this all started?_ he’d ask the same question to whatever feelings he had in his mind towards the other.

 _why this all started?_ it was his fault, of course.

he fooled himself by thinking he could minimize the act of a kiss with words of _“its nothing.”_ and _“it’s meaningless.”_

and maybe a kiss could be minimized by saying that...

actually san was a hundred percent sure it could.

but not if there were ever any actual feelings behind one.

“i think…we shouldn’t stop ourselves from dreaming.” yeosang said after however long.

 

san smiled.

 

 

 

x

 

 

 

a few months passed, things became a lot different now for all of them in many ways.

any feelings yeosang held for the other only became more of a burden as the days passed,

they only grew just to hurt him more and more every time.

 

“we should stop.” san says one day,

they’re sitting outside on the steps, and the air is chilly. its almost night time and the sky a mix or dark blues.

he thinks its specifically beautiful at this time of day.

yeosang looks down at his hands, it was a conversation that was inevitable. he’s known this for a long time.

“yeah.” he lets out anyways, despite the pit building in his chest.

“its not fair to anyone..” san tries, and for a moment yeosang almost thinks it might actually affect the other to say it out loud.

“you’re right, san.” he says, because..he _knows_. the other doesn’t need to explain himself.

it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. it wouldn’t be fair to go so far and put themselves in a situation they wouldn't be able to take back take back.

it wouldn't be fair to anyone they love. and it wasn't for such a long time.

he can practically feel the anxiety rushing off of the younger boy as he sits beside him, so he puts on a fake smile

“it could’ve gone too far anyways.” he laughed, mentally praising himself for making a laugh that was so painful sound so genuine..

he sees the others body noticeably relax at the olders apparent bright sounding voice.

“yeah.” san gave the him a tight lipped smile.

mouth slightly opening as if he wanted to make a joke he wasn't sure was appropriate.

san licked his lips, eyes distant.

he got up from the steps,

“its getting cold, i’m gonna go inside-"

"…you coming?”

he shook his head, the storm in his chest only growing more.

“i think i’ll stay out here for a while actually.”

because he needed time to not do anything. just to think and stay within his own thoughts.

san stayed on the steps for a few moments, as if he was trying to contemplate on whether or not he should do something.

“yeosang-hyung.”

“yeah?”

“i-“

the older looked at the younger, becoming anxious every millisecond that san didn't speak.

whatever the younger could say at this moment could only make it hurt more.

“i’m..sorry.”

the older didn’t respond.

 

san ran away from his own feelings too, maybe more so than yeosang did.

the difference was, yeosang admitted to himself that he had feelings for the younger, but san ran away from the thought every chance he got.

 

and as he was sure the other was at least a few feet away inside the building,

he let out a shaky sigh, quickly bowing his head and drawing his fingers to his eyes at the first sign of any tears.


End file.
